May 2023 Meeting Notes
This evening ten of us gathered, along with our guest, Dr. Bob Wubbolding, to just go with the flow as it turned out! Bob always comes prepared to lead a discussion about grief and the grieving journey, but as a seasoned professional, he is also always ready to let the discussion go where it may.
We began by using the form Bob gave us—a simple time line with the left side indicating not doing so well and the right end indicating we are doing pretty good. There were hash marks along the line indicating time and we were to make a mark where we felt at the moment in time and then label it with the current time. He told us he would have us repeat the exercise at the end and any time along the way we felt a change.
He then brought out his list of 15 points he wanted to make. I think we got to # 4 but here they are, kind of, as his notes were meant to refresh his memory, not detail the point…..
1) You may disagree with any or all of these points. (and that is ok)
2) Take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.
3) No one can truly appreciate your grief and pain.
4) You may experience real physical symptoms- natural part of grief. (I always remind people of the great song, “The hip bones connected to the thigh bone…”.
5) You never truly get “over it.” He did clarify a bit that we make our way through it.
6) Everyone grieves differently- different paces, different ways and that is to be expected.
7) Time--- he went on to tell us about a book he read (whether authored by George Sr. or about him?) in which George Bush Sr. talks about his war experience. I believe his plane was shot down and he alone survived. For the rest of his life, every single day, he thought of the others who perished. He did say a bit about how our pain will lessen over time but our grief will be with us forever.
8) One way people find solace is by helping others- for example Compassionate Friends.
9) Indirectly…..sorry, I have no clue where he was going with this one.
10) He also suggested we try and deepen our relationships- trying to go this alone is not possible.
11) There is no answer to “why.”
12) All feelings are normal- he really emphasizes this and I recall one past visit where someone asked him about PTSD. He said that he wasn’t in favor of defining extreme grief and symptoms as pathologic. He felt that PTSD was a normal response to an extremely abnormal situation.
13) Feelings linger……I think again referring to we don’t get healed.
14) Do something. He suggests at the end of the day finding one thing that surprised you. Similar to what we talk about at meeting- you can actually change your brain waves by doing this each night so that instead of instantly catastrophizing, your brain searches for something good. He also suggests breathing exercises to calm your brain.
15) 4 Basic needs—we all learned these in high school, I think: Food/clothing, Safety, Love, Self Esteem. (do with this what you want…)
But- we actually didn’t talk about most of those things.
We had one new to us mom—again, thank you so much for trusting us to sit beside you on this “journey.” We listened as she shared about finding her son after he was shot. Other parents chimed in how they also found their child or how inadequate their child’s death left them feeling. We had pretty deep discussions and hopefully releasing some of those emotions, examining some of our accompanying feelings helped us to start the process of sorting through what we keep and what we let go. (not referring to physical items).
Although- we did also talk about going through our child’s possessions--- when did you do that or have you done that? It took my family 23 years. There is no right or wrong- no proper date. No one right way to either dispose of or use our loved one’s possessions. Sometimes circumstances dictate that we have to take care of that activity by a certain date, but if not, do it when and if you feel you can and choose to.
We also touched upon music as a form of therapy. Interestingly enough, today Ed, Michael and I. met with a gentleman from the east chapter who has formed a group specifically for grieving dads and grand-dads. He shared with us a website created to help the average person “write” a song- lyrics and music. I believe he said it costs about $300 and they have questions that pull information from you that helps the lyrics get written in a personally meaningful way. He shared the one he created for his wife and it was beautiful. The website is Songfinch. Have fun!
By the way, his name is Doug Eisele and his group is called Courage2Cope. The website is: Courage2Cope.org
Our dinner out will be Thursday, May 18th and as soon as I have a location I will send an email.
BTW- you may have noticed that you just got a link to these notes this month. Kelly has done an excellent job of moving and rebuilding our web page (yes, we have always had one!) and we are trying to encourage folks to utilize it. You will see that all my notes are there as well as our calendar. We would also love to have a section where you can, if you like, place your child’s photo and a few words about them. We also have a private facebook group- also not utilized. Kelly will put a link to it on the website. This could be a nice place for you to come during the month with questions (“did any of you ever have this happen?”) or to share helpful things you have found. So many different ways we can support one another! Thank you Kelly!!!!
Ok- that’s it for now. All you moms and grandmoms out there, please treat yourself gently on Mother’s Day. Between losing a mom and losing a son, I know it can be a difficult day but try to spend it with loved ones, be them canine, feline or human and hopefully allow the sun rays to soothe your aching hearts.