August Meeting Notes
We welcomed Jan Borgman back to our group this past Tuesday and although there were only 7 of us in attendance, we had a wonderful meeting. Summer is always hit or miss with attendance numbers and we hope that means people are on a relaxing vacation, so well deserved!
We purposefully did not have a topic for this meeting as Jan likes to let things just flow and address comments/concerns/questions as they arise. It was interesting that one of the first comments led to a long discussion on the shoulda/woulda/coulda’s. It seems there is no shortage of feelings of guilt in our grieving families. Jan pointed out our need to find reasons for things that happen……she shared a story told to her by a client. The woman’s husband, with her beckoning, left home late in the evening to get ice cream for them. As he was driving he was broadsided by another vehicle and he died as a result of his injuries. She had such guilt feelings- if only she hadn’t asked him to get ice cream he would be alive. This reminded me of a story shared by David Kessler. Similarly- the wife asking the husband to go out and get pizza (or something) and he was killed in an accident while doing so. She was totally stuck on the part she played in his death and could not shake the debilitating guilt. The connection between pizza and his death was so real in her mind so David started working with her (months into her grief) to try and break that connection. He offered that he went out for pizza the night before and didn’t die. He asked her if she had pizza since and she had and didn’t die. He talked about the millions of people who go out to get pizza and don’t die. I know it sounds over-simplified but it worked. Somehow those connections take over our ability to be rationale.
One couple, whose son died by suicide, are constantly asked, “Didn’t you see any signs?” The equivalent of delivering a giant load of guilt to these grieving parents…….We talked about what kind of reaction might be generated if they responded, “Yes, we saw signs but decided to ignore them.” Whoa! Sadly people who, as my dad would say, put their mouth into gear before putting their brain into action would totally miss the sarcasm.
Many times, although family wishes to be present for the last breath, it doesn’t work out that way and the family is left riddled with guilt. It could be they spent 23 hours at the hospital or home bedside but had to run out for 15” and missed it. Or miles that separate them from their loved one impede their ability to be present. Many nurses will tell you that it seems in some cases the patient actually waits until everyone leaves to take their last breath- maybe in some self-sacrificing attempt to soften the blow of their death. Conversely there are times people on the brink of death will miraculously hang on for an event or visit. Whatever the case we can be left with such feelings of guilt- many times fueled by stupid comments from others. And again, we are left with the “if only’s.”
We talked about other people judging our grieving process/journey. Sometimes we even judge the way our family members are either grieving or seemingly not grieving. Jan reminded us that no two people share the exact relationship with the person who died and no two people grieve the same. She shared a story told to her by a client. A couple came in for counseling after the death of their child. The mom said all she could do was cry…..all day, every day. She then went on to say that her husband (sitting right there) didn’t seem the least bit bothered, didn’t seem to be grieving. Upon hearing that her husband got upset and loudly asked her what she thought he was doing in the back yard all the time. She said chopping wood and he said, “YES, and do I need to point out we do not have a fireplace or fire pit!” Chopping wood was his way of expressing his grief.
Another mom shared how her preteen kids were being bullied and teased at school, directly related to their sister’s death. Telling them horrible things about her, that it was their fault- all sorts of painful lies. Reported to the school on numerous occasions, but nothing done. When it finally came to a head a few times- when her son was literally pushed- and pushed back- he was suspended, but still nothing done to address the issue. Jan had a great suggestion- to ask the school to invite Fernside in to speak to the students about grief and loss. Fingers crossed it happens and works.
We probably hit on more topics but I forgot to take notes--- had to be there! Jan did leave us with a handout- Kelly will post it on the website.
Don’t forget, there are 5 Thursdays in August so our dinner will be Thursday, August 24th.. More to come.
Kelly and Kim are working on the candle lighting. If you would like to help them out let me know and I will connect you.
Take care- I know the start of school can be a grief activator for many of you. We are always here for you!