Dec. Meeting Notes

Tuesday evening nine of got together to view an interview with David Kessler.   He is widely recognized as an expert on the subject of grief- although he readily admits to getting advanced education on the subject when his own son died.  As he shared with his groups following this tragedy, “I had forgotten how bad the pain was.”   Studying grief, he admits, is much different than living with it.

David worked with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, sadly best known for her identifying the five stages.  These five stages, “shock, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance,” were part of Dr. Kubler Ross’ work on illness and dying – not grief.  When David worked with her they made a point of correcting that misinterpretation and also emphasized that these “stages” were never meant to be linear, with acceptance being the end.  He also said that we don’t follow the stages, but rather the stages describe where we currently are in our grief.  They worked together to adapt these stages to grief and then David added a 6th stage, Meaning.

He shared the reaction he often gets when introducing the concept of Meaning….”What?  How could there be meaning in my child’s death?”   He stresses that we are not making meaning of the death, but rather the meaning applies to us- what we do with this loss.  One line he said resonated with me, “You are the best evidence of their life.”  

Meaning can take all sorts of forms.  It doesn’t have to be dramatic.   He gave examples from finding gratitude for having had that person in your life to bringing an issue to the forefront to help others avoid the same tragedy to creating charities or contributing to them.  The interviewer shared that during one of their earlier programs people shared they created meaning with food- keeping favorite recipes as part of their lives. 

He said that Meaning = Post Traumatic Growth.   He goes on to say that although Meaning does not take away the pain you will not forever grieve with pain- hopefully you will come to grieve with love.   When his son died a friend, a bereaved mom, came to see him and told him she knew he was drowning in pain and that soon he would hit bottom and then have a choice to make.  He could kick off the bottom and swim to the top or he could not.   Knowing there is a choice gives us power- knowing that we will not always grieve in pain helps us to choose to live and by that choice, honor our loved one’s life.  “Meaning becomes a decision- do we want to live again.”  And he emphasized that choosing to live and grieve in love is not disloyal to our loved ones- it honors them.

David shared another time when someone asked him how long they would grieve.  He answered her by asking, “How long will they be dead?”  And then told her that grieving is forever- grieving in pain is not.   He advises to grieve fully and then find a way to live fully- to honor your loved one.  

One of the attendees at the event David was part of asked how to cope when being overcome by grief.  I loved his response because it was honest and true- “Recognize that this is what grief looks like” and it represents the intensity of love for that person.   He cautions against using Meaning to try and avoid the pain, “pain is patient, it will wait for you.”  

Another comment he often hears- that we often also say-  “A part of me died when my child died.”   Yes, he agrees, “but a part of them lives on in you and you make meaning by finding ways to honor them.

He spoke a lot about different types of magical thinking:

·        If only I had done something differently they could be alive

·        If only I hadn’t done or said something they could be alive

o   He used a term, of course I can’t recall it, something like proximal causality- in other words linking what happened immediately before the death with the death, as the cause of the death.  The shoulda/woulda/coulda magical thinking.

The third type of magical thinking was something I am sure you can all relate to

·        If they hadn’t died, I wonder what they would be doing now

David shared that in one of his online groups with hundreds of members he said they were going to share their personal stories of “where would they be now.”  He said that immediately everyone identified with this and had stories ready to share.  This witnessing and sharing of one another’s pain, having your pain acknowledged, was very powerful.  He opened the session stating they would be engaging in this magical thinking and that at the end they would close it- hanging out in that spot could be problematic but for a short visit was a positive experience.

There was so much more so I am pasting the link to the interview.    A little beware- there are many, many interviews with David available online.  I think everyone present last night would agree you should avoid the ones with “Open to Hope.”  I might have screamed at the screen….

https://goodgrieffest.com/events/david-kessler-finding-meaning-the-sixth-stage-of-grief/

Wondering if you all would be interested in having more group watching  meetings and if so, although David has plenty of them available, please send suggestions.  Also wondering how you would feel about a Magical Thinking topic where we all share our dreams about where our child would be now- what they would be doing. 

Phew!   Reminder- our next dinner out will be Thursday, January 19th at 6:30pm at Slatts on Cooper Rd.  RSVP’s are helpful but not required.   

 Additionally, we will be having a half day workshop with Stacy Sims (https://www.thewell.world/about/stacy-sims). on Sunday, February  19th from 10am to 2pm.   RSVPs are needed.  The chapter will be covering the cost of this event.    We probably need to limit attendance to the first 25-30 so either email me at tcfofcincinnatinorth@gmail.com or text me at 513-207-8714.