April 2023 Meeting Notes
Last night 9 of us gathered for our April meeting. I want to take a second to address attendance at meetings. This is something that normally fluctuates but I always like to check to make sure we are providing the kind of support you all need and want- that low attendance isn’t due to something we are missing? Please, always feel welcome and comfortable sharing your evaluations, ideas for topics- anything you are hoping for, you can bet so are others. This is your chapter and we value your input!
So- anyway- 9 of us came together last night to talk about ways in which people have been helpful to us and ways in which they have been hurtful- possibly inadvertently – and ways we might handle some difficult situations. I wasn’t’ sure how this would go but it was amazing. We finally had to cut it off at 9pm so that our wonderful Spring Grove host could get home.
We gave everyone two different colored cards onto which they were to write their own experience of helpful and hurtful things. We then went onto Ed & I reading excerpts from David Kessler’s writing- examples of both hurtful and helpful words/actions. I have attached them to this email.
Afterwards we went around the circle sharing first, hurtful things and then helpful. The interesting thing- unintended- was that we also ended up talking about how we handled these experiences- then- and how we might differently handle them now. Without identifying who said what, below you can read all the comments.
HURTFUL WORDS OR ACTIONS:
1) “I know how you feel.” Made even worse when followed by: “I felt like that after my divorce.”
a. We talked about avoiding that first statement. Even though we all had a child die, our relationships, the details surrounding the death, our past traumas all make our experience unique- none of us truly know another’s pain, although we certainly have an idea of the depth of it.
2) A family member’s son was getting married and his mother shared how upset she was that her relationship with her son would no longer be as daily as before.
a. While we can understand that mom’s feelings (maybe!) what we couldn’t understand was how she could think it appropriate to share that with this newly bereaved mom.
3) This mom’s neighbors were Hindu (only relevant because of their beliefs affecting their words) and after the death of their twins the neighbors told them it was due to their actions in their past lives.
a. So- while we believe in being respectful of other’s beliefs, a line has to be drawn at comments such as this. What possible good could come from it? Scratching our heads.
4) A mom was at her child’s memorial tree in the park. A stranger came up to her and asked why she was decorating the tree, so she shared it was in honor of her deceased child. “Oh- I heard about that, car accident….what kind of car was she driving?” And he persisted…..
a. Again- someone else’s tragedy is not anyone else’s entertainment or business.
5) Same mom at a neighborhood get together. Everyone was long time residents- kids all grew up knowing one another so they all knew her child died in a car wreck- not very long before this gathering. Somehow the conversation steered to car wrecks and suddenly everyone was sharing their worst car wreck stories while these parents sat there unable to move or talk.
a. I think the phrase, “Think before you talk” applies here, right! Suggestions were made that perhaps now that time has passed, she could share with these neighbors how that made them feel. Nor ready…..maybe never ready and that is ok!
6) Same mom- shortly after the accident the local police showed up at her door. I can’t recall if for some other reason but he felt compelled to share his thoughts….”You know- if she had been wearing her seatbelt she would have survived!” like he was angry- like this was done to ruin his day.
a. We all agreed that much education is needed for 1st responders, doctors, nurses.
i. NOTE: We have, in the past, presented to groups and maybe could revisit that outreach activity. Anyone interested?
7) At a bible study group luncheon, this mom was told by a member of her group: “At least you can be comforted by knowing it is God’s will.”
a. Please, please, please……whatever your belief system, take care not to assume others share it or that they will find comfort in your words. Even if you know they share the same religious beliefs. At the time of their loved one’s death, those words may be interpreted as diminishing their loss & pain.
8) Last minute, mom reversed her decision to attend friend’s son’s birthday party. His mom was understanding but person with whom this mom was supposed to drive told her, “It has been a year, you need to move on!”
a. She said if this happened today she would look at her friend and say, “Just where would you like me to move to?????”
9) One dad shared that his close friend, although he knew of his son’s death, never attended any of the memorials held in his son’s honor.
a. So- people have all sorts of reasons for not attending funerals or memorials. It is certainly their prerogative but it does sting, especially if no acknowledgement of it is offered.
i. I can see how attending a funeral- especially soon after losing your child or really any close loved one- can be so difficult that you might need to skip. Maybe we can send a short note explaining and offering our thoughts….
10) A friend of this dad- whose son was a friend of this dad’s son shared that his dog died.. (YES!). AND that the dog was buried in the same cemetery and nearby his son. Left this dad wondering what exactly his friend was hoping to accomplish with this news!
11) Son died of suicide. Neighbors came over to offer condolences and then assured the dad they were not going to hold the method of dying against them (they obviously considered suicide a sin.)
a. Ugh!
12) And yet another parent had someone tell her they should get down on their knees and ask for forgiveness for past sins that caused child’s death.
a. Another Ugh!
13) A dad shared that sometime after his son died of obvious suicide, a detective came by and shared the possibility it was not suicide, but rather murder. He said there had been a series of rapes and it was suggested that someone figured out it was his son who committed the rapes and he was murdered by a victim’s friend/family. None of this true- but now adding fuel to the already raging fire of grief.
14) “God wanted him to do his good in heaven.”
a. There does seem to be a religious context to many of these experiences. It is not the religion that is at fault here, but rather the person’s erroneous assumption that their beliefs are everyone’s beliefs and that hearing this will give comfort.
15) And one we have all heard, “Do you have other children?” Followed in this case by, “Oh well then!”
a. Note to entire world: One child cannot replace another child!!!! Any loved one cannot be replaced.
16) And this one wins the prize, maybe……”You know he smoked marijuana….and that leads to bigger problems down the road, so maybe it’s for the best that he died.”
a. We had no words.
HELPFUL WORDS OR ACTIONS:
1) A co-worker/new friend was the essence of presence. She just came and sat with the mom.
2) Friend’s son’s graduation- same graduation her boy should have been present for- and they invited her to attend with them. She did and found they had put an empty chair with a rose on it beside the other graduates. Her sister also showed up and at some point stood up and shouted her son’s name and then drove them to Florida to help them have a respite get-a-way.
a. This is such a wonderful thing to do and I have heard other parents share similar experiences but one mom shared that although the whole graduating class wanted this to happen, the administrators refused to go along with it.
b. FYI- my son was a 1st year law student at the time of his death. The dean and assistant dean of the college stayed in touch with us- worked with his classmates to design a teak bench and plaque which still resides in the garden outside the law school building. In addition, we were- 3 years later- invited to the graduation where the dean spoke about our son in her comments. Amazing people do exist!
3) Same mom as above- a friend opened a shop similar to Play It Again Sports – in her son’s honor.
4) A co-worker sent a weekly card to this parent for one whole year following the death of their child.
a. All of us know how quickly others seem to forget- this is such a great idea!
5) A mom shared that while they were being overwhelmed with food kindness—most of it things like lasagna, etc. this one friend brought a fresh fruit salad every Friday for 6 months!
6) One mom found a huge box on her front porch. In opening it she found a “You don’t know us” card letting them know they were thought of and maybe the things could be helpful. There were 20 labeled items in the box with explanations and instructions what to do with them. One example- there was a dinner plate with the instructions to smash it in moments of frustration.
7) Someone made a mom a Halloween themed quilt in memory of her daughter whose birthday was on Halloween.
8) A son wrote a note to. Mom- as if speaking from sister’s vantage point. It was extremely touching.
9) A friend made through TCF has never missed her son’s birthday or death date.
a. And how much do we talk about how our family seems to forget- so that makes this doubly wonderful and meaningful.
10) On his son’s birthday he takes one rose to the cemetery. He went into the store and asked if he could get just one rose- explained to the clerk what he needed it for. The clerk then gifted him the whole bouquet of roses.
11) And lest we overlook this amazing woman right here in our group—Marilyn writes and sends every card to everyone in our database- now over 100 people- on their child’s birthday and anniversary of death. As of late, she sends over 25+ notes every month--- sometimes more, occasionally a little less. We hear from people who no longer attend meetings how comforting it is to receive these cards- knowing that our TCF family will never forget.
12) A dad’s work friend/acquaintance met for lunch and shared his own story of loss and spoke about the grief experience with him from a position of knowing.
13) While this family was out of town dealing with the aftermath of their son’s death (i.e. packing his apartment, etc.) her teacher friends came to her house, fully stocked the refrigerator, put flowers everywhere. The next day her sister-in-law came and just sat and held her hand all day.
14) Son’s friends had yearly Christmas get-togethers and invited parents to attend.
15) This dad’s son died in a highly publicized car wreck. It was the talk of radio talk shows for weeks and never referred to his other son- the driver of the car- in anything but highly negative way. One of the other kid’s (who died in the wreck) mom called into the show one day to defend the driver and his parents. What a classy thing to do!
a. This led to conversation about how there are always so many presumptions made in highly visible deaths…..we shared one parent’s experience years ago- their adult daughter was driving home from her teaching job, had a fatal wreck. Her cell phone was found on the floor of the car, I believe, and it was one of those, “It is believed she was on her phone at the time and distracted…..” Her parents were irate and went to the phone company to find out the the phone had not been used in hours (maybe even the day before—this was a long time ago!). Of course the media never came back with that information. Reminder for us all not to assume what we feel to be the obvious.
16) Many of us received “You don’t know me, but” letters from other bereaved parents. Such an amazing gift!
17) I missed part of this story- but at the cemetery- not sure if the funeral or a memorial or birthday (Help me out!) a stranger came and gifted them with a box of donuts.
We could have gone on forever- each new comment inspired new conversation. I think, again, highlighting the beauty of a group such as ours. We can share anything- however outrageous we are afraid it will seem and always find someone else relating to it. We never have to explain why we feel the way we feel, do things we do. No one tries to speed us along.
As David Kessler said in the last video I watched, he referred a lot to healing. He stopped for a moment to explain that he differentiated between “healing” and “healed,” that we never heal from grief but rather it is a continuum of healing. It helped me not to experience a hypertensive crisis when I hear the word because it seems so many people believe grief is something that comes- and then goes. I like the explanation that we will always grieve—but we won’t always grieve in pain, at some point we will grieve in love.
Wishing that for you all!
Please don’t forget to send suggestions, comments, restaurant suggestions- anything! We have thick skin and welcome your evaluations!
Dinner information will be forthcoming- keep checking email.
Next month’s meeting we will have a guest facilitator, Dr. Bob Wubbolding. There is no set topic- all questions, comments welcome.
PS- please feel welcome to share this with friends and family J