August 2024 Meeting Notes

Hi everyone-

Last night 12 of us gathered for our August meeting.  We had 4 new families represented-  I know I say this all of the time, but it is so painful to see new people walk through our doors as we know, only too well, what that means for their family.  While we are grateful that they found there is a safe place to which to come with their profound grief, we sure wish there was no need.  We are honored to be trusted to witness their grief and would like to believe, in time, they will find comfort and hope in our presence.   We all know that grief runs on no timetable and is unique to each individual.  We had a grandma, two couples (parents) and a sibling who is actually looking into forming another Cincinnati chapter on the west side of town (more to come – still in contemplation/planning stages.)

We also had Jan Borgman joining us as guest facilitator.  For those of you not familiar with Jan, she is a grief counselor, her last position as Bereavement Coordinator at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital.  She shares her insights (she is quick to point out she has never had a child) gained from decades of counseling people who have experienced the death of a loved one, be that spouse, sibling, parent or child.  Jan brought with her a poem written by a grieving spouse- but one we have seen in our TCF handouts, as well.  It is called The Elephant In The Room.  (we will upload it to our website). Basically, she said, the elephant is our grief.  Like an elephant, it is huge so you would think it might be the topic of conversations when others find themselves in a room with it but as most of us know, our grief, our loved one’s names are not things others find easy to discuss.  Whether they fear making us sad (!!) should they say our loved one’s name or because they themselves don’t know what to say or do- could be both.  Jan brought up that our losses are so out of life’s order and a parent, sibling or grandparent’s worst nightmare, that others avoid addressing it out of fear it could happen to them if it happened to us.  They look for reasons to deny they are vulnerable, “My child would never take drugs,” or “I would always know if my child was ill.” 

Jan suggested that we “find our voices.”  Although in those earliest days, weeks, months it is all we can do to survive, sometimes if we bring up our child or brother/sister, grandchild’s name it gives others permission to talk about it with us.  Something as basic as inviting others to join in a toast when at a family gathering, or having a celebration of life on their birthday.  It is important to note that in those early days, this may all be too much to ask and that is okay.  We are all ready when we are ready, not when a calendar says we should be, not when a family or friend says we should be ready.  And also important to remember, we NEVER forget them.  The profound physical and emotional pain eventually wanes, but our memory of our loved one remains intact.

Jan also talked about secondary losses.  The actual death is the primary loss but secondary losses would include things like losing the chance to be a grandparent, never having the chance to send your child off to kindergarten, or graduate high school or college, or get married.  For couples it could be the loss of the person whose household tasks all now fall to the surviving spouse.  For siblings, the person who knows everything about them, who helps when parents get old, who makes them an aunt or uncle, for grandparents the dream of spoiling their grandchild, watching their child become a parent.  For everyone a secondary loss is the loss of a functioning spouse, parent, child.  When we are so overwhelmed with grief the sheer exhaustion, the grief brain makes it impossible for us to function as we did before.  For surviving children that can be frightening- almost feeling like they have to parent their parent.  The list can go on and on but I think you can get the idea.

We also talked, as we do so often, about how we all grieve differently, how we mourn (the expression of our grief) differently.  There is no timetable, much as our society would like to believe otherwise.  Some people appear to function just as before while others appear to fall completely apart.  Neither is a measure of their grief, but is rather a difference in their “style” of mourning.  Some people are active grievers, they need to do something.  Some people are passive grievers.  They need to hibernate.  Some people are angry, some appear at peace.  In all my years of spending time with grieving family members, I have never seen a family in which all members expressed their grief in the same manner.  And that is a good thing, and a difficult thing.  If everyone is taken to bed, the household falls apart.  But  those differences can also create tension between the family members as they feel judged or they are the ones judging. 

I think it is important to note that in the very beginning there is nothing anyone can say or do to help a newly bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent believe this profound physical and emotional pain won’t last forever.  It is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to cry, to shout, to smack the golf bar a lot harder than needed.  My suggestion is to journal.  I hate journaling but when I started having thoughts I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone I started journaling In the form of letters to my son.  Whatever was in my brain came out on paper.  It was ugly and sorrowful.  But when I was months out and felt so stuck I took a look at my earliest entries and couldn’t believe I actually wrote those words.  I couldn’t believe I actually felt that way.  The progress was so painfully slow and with so many setbacks that until I read those notes I couldn’t see that I was starting to shed some of that overwhelming load of grief.  Baby steps.  Setbacks.  Surprise attacks of grief at crazy, random times. 

Our wish is by sharing our experiences- with members from decades out to weeks out we can gain some insight into things that we might experience, ways in which we might handle them and even the slightest inkling of hope for the future.  We are so grateful for everyone’s presence and sharing. 

Our next dinner out will be Thursday, August 22nd, 6:30pm at Pies & Pints / 7621 Gibson St, Liberty Township, OH 45044 (Liberty Center).  Please send me RSVP only if you are attending and if so, if you are bringing another person/s.    You can text me at 513-207-8714 or email at tcfofcincinnatinorth@gmail.com.    You can come if you don’t RSVP but we may or may not have room at the table.    (NOTE:  They do not take reservations but not usually busy during the week.)