Nov 2024 Meeting Notes

This night 10 of us gathered for our November meeting.  The topic was “Handling the Holidays.”

We were joined by one new mom whose son died 10 years ago.  This was her first meeting as she spent years after her daughter’s death raising her twin grandsons.  We hear about delayed grief- well, this was that in spades.  Sometimes when a death occurs there are legal issues that take your focus, sometimes there are family issues. In this mom’s case it was her daughter’s twin sons.  This brave grandma/momma set her grief aside and raised two gorgeous young men- now it was time for her to take care of her and we were happy to have her join us..  It is never too late to take care of yourself.

We began the meeting, after introductions, with a short video interview with David Kessler, Grief Instructor and bereaved dad.  He gave 5 suggestions:

1)    It’s ok to be sad. He points out we are not a grinch- we are in grief.

2)    Include your loss in your holiday.  Whether that be by visiting the grave before going on to the event or asking everyone to share a memory, light candles, sharing their favorite holiday meal or treat and then a story to go with it.  Remind your family that should you share tears when they mention your loved one’s name, it is not due to their speaking of your child- it is because you miss them- but are grateful for their memories.

3)    Plan an exit strategy.  David said as soon as he walks into an event he lets them know he won’t be able to stay long.  He also said that “No” is a complete sentence.  It is ok to say no.

4)    Ask for what you need- whatever that may be, very specifically ask for it.  It seems like our family should intuitively know- but as David points out, they don’t.

5)    Give grief dedicated time.  David shares that sometimes, en route to an event, he stops at the cemetery to visit his son.  Maybe write a journal note to them, have their favorite ice cream.  The what and how isn’t as important as just taking time for it.

So this led to our open discussion.

We had a couple return for their 2nd meeting.  They shared how after the meeting- one at which the dad was pretty stoic, the mom more emotional- they talked a lot, more open talks, and the dad was able to share more of his emotions.  It just points out how we all grieve and mourn so differently.  Some of us are outwardly emotional-  I have seen parents fall on the floor, loudly mourning their loved one’s death.  I have seen parents so outwardly stoic that we had to ask if they understood their child (or other loved one) had died.  And, as David Kessler points out, grieving is not a final destination- it is, in this way, more of a journey as our emotions morph from one manifestation to another.  Many times the differences in how we mourn creates tension in the family as we want a partner, someone to scream and cry with us or someone to sit quietly by our side- both quietly sitting with their feelings.  But it rarely happens that way so it is so important to keep communications open, as this couple found and successfully navigated.

Some of our further along folks shared how they handled the holidays in early days – (running away, changing traditions, ignoring) and then as years passed by (changing traditions, doing something to create a memorial, returning to old traditions.

We each have to find our own way- sometimes, oftentimes it takes a few holiday seasons to figure it out. 

We were also joined by Haley and her mom, Lisa.  They are the new chapter leaders for the newly formed Southwest chapter of TCF.  For you west siders, they will meet at the Harrison Public Library at 7pm the 3rd Tuesday of the month, beginning in November.  They also have a private facebook group.

David Kessler has many great videos available to watch for free on You Tube and they are mostly by topic so doing a search is easy. 

I will be sending a separate email with a zoom invite to our candle lighting planning meeting which will take place Monday, Nov 11 at 7pm.  I think you will be prompted to download the latest version (free) in order to join in so if you plan on attending it might be easier to do that ahead of time.

We are planning on next dinner out which will be Thursday, November 21.  Details to come

Enjoy the remainder of this great weather and hope to see you all soon!