November 2022

NOVEMBER 1, 2022

MEETING NOTES

I know I always say it- but last night’s meeting was really special. We had two new families. When we, those of us further down the road from our losses, meet parents whose loss is so recent, the depth of pain and grief we witness carries us right back to our earlier days. Not necessarily physically feeling it- but bearing witness is so difficult. I guess on the positive side, it also allows us to reflect on the progress we have made through the years.

We are forever honored to be chosen to walk beside these new families as they share their stories, expose their most raw emotions. It is an honor we do not take lightly and we take this role very seriously- taking to heart our first meeting rule, “what is said in this room stays in this room.”

The night’s topic was, “Linking Objects.” You never know how this is going to go- really how any meeting is going to go. There are months where everyone seems upbeat, able to control their emotions (even though there is no reason to do so.). There are other times when everyone’s emotions are right at the surface. That was last night.

Our linking objects are so special to us- not that we need an object in order to remember our loved ones- but these items carry special significance.

As each family shared their object and the story behind it, tears flowed. Tears mixed with laughter as they recalled a special memory related to the object. One mom shared how her son was not the least bit interested in clothing so he wore things until they fell apart. Her quilt was full of his life- pockets of jeans stretched out as he constantly shoved his hands inside then. Worn out corduroy he was not caring to replace with new. You could just picture him in his plaid shirt and worn pants! The cafeteria chair always brings smiles- and tears. Fellow students took a chair from the cafeteria and they all signed it, then presented it to their friend’s parents. Photos of a beautiful tiny baby- gone way too soon! Photo of a special girl who brought joy to so many in such a short life. The Halloween costume- Oh my! It was made of cushioning cut out and covered in fabric to perfectly resemble McDonalds red box of French fries! We all laughed, imagining him walking aside his sibling, whom he adorned with a similar costume he made, that being the burger! Stuffies representing a loved one’s love for that particular animal- one even with a story resulting in conversation about “signs.” (We may have to have a meeting just for that talk!). One family shared how their son liked to take apart four wheelers and although he loved putting them back together, it didn’t always go quite right. They have two leftover frames hanging in their garage as a memorial. One dad shared his son’s pocketknife, now used as a paper weight in his office! Another shared a beautiful small quilt made for her daughter’s twin brother out of her clothing and special to them symbols. It was so amazing- the detail! And, one mom brought a special shirt from a charity event they created to benefit an illness her son (daughter who died’s brother) has. The siblings were best friends and the shirt was one the girl wore during the charity softball tournament in which she was pitcher.

As usual our talks strayed from topic at some point. The shoulda/coulda/woulda’s always seem to pop up. Are you left with guilt thinking something you did, didn’t do, said, should have said caused your child’s death? For the most part, these thoughts are not really based upon any reality but we are parents and feel it is our job to keep our children safe and when that doesn’t happen- many times spurred on by “friend’s” comments- we are sure it is somehow our fault. One guest speaker, upon hearing this pretty consistently from all those present, said this: “If your child didn’t die, would you still feel badly about whatever it is you feel you did/didn’t do, etc? “ Of course, the answer is no. But our children did die and it is hard to move beyond the guilt.

One of our new members verbalized what I think most of us felt at our first meeting. I will never forget my first meeting. Two things- first, when we walked in and saw people standing in little groups chatting and laughing I was sure we were in the wrong place. Maybe a PTA meetings- but certainly not a group of bereaved parents. Then, as the meeting started and everyone went around to introduce themselves, I kept hearing, “It’s been 5 years……”. “It’s been 20 years….” And on and on. All I could imagine is that there was no way I could “do THIS” or feel that way for 20 years. Of course, over the next couple meetings I came to realize that many of these parents were well on their way to putting their lives together in a new way and that during the month they functioned just fine….worked, engaged in social activities, etc. One night a month they came to a safe place where they could let it out or just share their newly found wisdom. I know it is impossible to believe, back in those earliest days, but life will settle down, become softer. Those intensely profoundly painful emotions will, very slowly, ease up. It is truly like a roller coaster ride with the extreme lows gradually becoming less frequent and less deep. But, in the meantime it is exhausting and painful. Please know that you are never alone!!

Our next get together will be Thursday, November 17th. Annie is working on securing a location and you will receive notice a little closer to the date.

Also- please remember there is NO December 1st Tuesday meeting. That is REPLACED by our Candle Lighting Memorial which will take place on Sunday, December 11th. We have moved the start time to 6:30pm so please plan on arriving about 15” beforehand. We will have some sort of dessert afterwards. We will have a table on which you can place photos, should you like. As part of the program we will have a power point presentation with our loved one’s photos. If you would like to partake in this, I need you to email me a photo (with their name) by November 15th.

I do need RSVP’s for the Candle Lighting. Please email me at tcfofcincinnatinorth@gmail.com with your name and how many of you will be attending. Please limit to immediate family &/or support persons as we will try to be able to maintain some degree of social distancing. Masks will be required and will be available. Should things take a downward turn with respect to the pandemic, we may have to revert to virtual--- so everyone keep your fingers crossed because we really want to be in person!

Lastly- if you would like to do a reading, please let me know. There are just 4 readings and it is first come.

Phew! Long read- go rest your eyes but be sure to mark these dates on your calendar:

Tuesday, November 15th: Last day to submit photo for power point presentation

Thursday, November 17th: 3rd Thursday dinner out- location TBD

Thursday, December 1st: RSVP’s due for Candle Lighting (last minute arrivals will be welcome assuming there is adequate room)

Tuesday, December 6th: NO MEETING

Sunday, December 11th: Candle Lighting Memorial – 6:30pm

Thanks for putting up with my blabbering!!!

Karen