September Meeting Notes
Tonight 9 of us gathered for our September meeting. Two of the nine were there attending their first meeting. Remember your first meeting? So overwhelming. One mom, one sibling. No matter the relationship, a beloved member of your family will no longer be physically present in your life and the hurt is so beyond what we could have ever foreseen. Our hearts are with our newest members as we welcome them into our fold.
We started off with our intro circle since we did have two attending their first meeting. It morphed into great conversation- as usual, covering so many topics. Guilt- always there. Stigmatized deaths- carry even a heavier load. It is so sad, as we discussed, that in our society mental health issues are so disrespected. It makes it harder to get treatment, harder on loved ones left behind when those issues end up leading to death. We need to get better.
The guilt thing is so hard to move past. Whether you are the parents, best sister/brother, other close friend or relative we always tend to think something we did or didn’t do precipitated whatever crisis ended our loved one’s life. David Kessler, grief specialist, says that when we don’t have all the information, we tend to fill in the blanks. So in one mom’s case, her son died of colon cancer. There was no family history so the question was, “what caused him to get colon cancer?” Because there were no answers to be had her mind filled in the blanks. Now keep in mind, our explanations are rarely rational and as she described her conclusion- now years gone by- we could all laugh. But in those first couple years she convinced herself the diet she fed her son some 30 years prior caused the colon cancer. “I was sure it was because I fed him spaghetti o’s!” For you, it may be you forgot to call them back or you had a little fight. Perhaps, as with myself, you created a scenario wherein they called and called for their mom as they took their final breath……and you didn’t go to them. Again, I can laugh about it now- I was hundreds of miles away and knowing my son and knowing his injury that scene definitely wouldn’t have played out…..but at the time I was quite certain and riddled with guilt. The shoulda/woulda/coulda’s can bring us to our knees. Can anyone relate?
We touched on expectations friends and family put on us. For example, dealing with our loved one’s personal affects. I shared that it took 23 years for us to go through Eric’s things. At that point in time we were more than ready to dispose of things we would have never tossed had we discovered them in those first few years. His clothes were a different story and we were lucky enough to find a wonderful quilter who created 2 beautiful large quilts, 2 small ones and 3 bears. The point is that we do not need to meet anyone else’s expectations- we are ready when we are ready. Don’t be afraid to speak up- to make your wishes very clear.
We also talked about how those “dates” can take even the most seasoned griever right back to the beginning. Yes, the emotions aren’t as raw, the pain not as profound and our ability to pull ourselves back up much stronger….but as we anticipate the birth month or date on which they died we start to play, like a reel to reel recording, those last days. Advice we were given when we first started reading books on grieving or attending meetings was to take control where we can. The anticipation of these dates is always worse than the actual day so make a plan. Whether that be a birthday celebration of their life, an act of kindness on the “anniversary” of death or a visit to one of their favorite places……whatever feels right. Give yourself permission to scrap the plans last minute should you change your mind that morning but try to immerse yourself in the planning. It gives you a different focus and just as one therapist suggested, as a way to retrain/focus our brains, that each night before going to sleep we take a second and say, “The best part of today was……..” we are retraining our brain to have a different expectation of these significant dates. (By the way- as we all rolled our eyes at her suggestion, she pointed out the best part of the day may well be the least crappy thing that happened!)
And after all this talk, believe it or not we actually painted our stepping stones or birdbaths! I forgot to take pictures so asking everyone present to send me a photo of theirs and Kelly will post on our website. I know that the idea of a crafting meeting is not always met with great enthusiasm but it never fails that once onsite, people really dive into the process and create absolutely beautiful things!
We did also discuss dinner suggestions and once we have a definite place picked out I will email everyone. It will be the 3rd Thursday which is September 21st.
Don’t forget to mark your calendars! Our yearly candle lighting will be Sunday, December 10th. More to come!
See you on the 21st.
Karen